Adieu

I have had a lot of time to say things I might have wanted to but never still got time enough. Time enough to break barriers that I have constructed like fair castles around me.
Time enough so I got lost in them and thought them to be my world. I wanted to build a lot of things but I just built half-filled dreams…fair castles with broken windows and no doors.

I think now it is time to leave all this behind but I don’t have the words to say goodbye... Can I say goodbye to you… even if I didn’t know you.

A New Look or A Fresh Start

I started blogging… as a platform to share my poems, and views on many issues, close to my core, or which simply interest me. But since I have never been able to emote in spoken words… drowned emotion took the form of my contorted poems. These poems are conversations with my soul have helped me grieve; they are like my friends…

So, due to some personal issues in the last two years I took to writing a lot more than before, just to emote when I couldn’t beg for any other way of release. And the blank pages which were my reflection, understood me like no other…

Pressures of school, teenage and an incredible lack of patience and concentration never gave any other literary device the exposure… I was always pressed for time….somehow.

But I could say, I have matured, my thoughts have… and now I feel free to express without hiding in the riddles. As in a poem, I was a character within a poem, which expressed one specific emotion I imagine or feel.

Much of the drama is made up, but there is my soul hidden behind veils of layered riddles, lines and words. Its time to come out of the closet…and to experiment with reality…

Though it does not mean that I shall not write the poems… they are a part of me like no other… whispers closest to perhaps the real me. Which I’m forever trying to discover… but remain baffled and confused.

I have been really inactive on m blog for long… I shall try to keep it regular from now on but I cant promise anything to myself even…

So here goes… some things from the inactive period…in verse and without.

EXPRESSION

I have seen him grow up
And always felt him to have expressive eyes.

As a kid fear filled those eyes
When he lost the sight of his mother
A stiff upper lip
A macho pride
Yet misted insecurity in those dark deep eyes.

Understanding glance
Of before age maturity
But a hidden under laying longing
Yet outlined his eyes……….
When he had worn the frayed clothes
Even through his birthday.

A bittersweet pain
Yet I could see in his smiling eyes
When his friends turned his back on them
On the surface mature
But with hurt sad innocent eyes
That told of pain just to me.

And the eyes
Glazed
When he saw his love
And the hurt when
The dejection
And a reflection of a broken heart
That swam to his yes
When he lost his first love.

The wild happiness
The tremendous emotions
When he finally found his life’s love
The contentment
All reflected in his mature eyes
So deep
Now
Eyes of a man.

And then the misted eyes
Of a father
Half closed in prayer
Thanking god for his love
As a silent tear trickled down those
Happy honest eyes.

And now triumph had shown in now and then
In those eyes
As had pain
With experiences of life
Bitter sweet
Yet leaving him all the richer.

And now
I saw only acceptance
And loneliness
As tears sparkled in those eyes
I knew he was terrified
I knew he was afraid
Yet life had taught him to shield some emotions
Finally from his eyes
Now misty
As things untold where hidden beyond.

He was alone
But I reached to those expressive eyes
And blew over each one of them
Till they cleared again and let me see
Once again into their depth
And the sight even made my eyes burn
As the mist cleared in his eyes
I saw acceptance
An ethereal light
A love so free
From this world………………………


He was expressing his last emotions
And his dark eyes
Were tired
Though happy
And with a steady determination ready to close
I peeked heavily for one last time
Into the deep eyes that
Somewhere were also my reason to life
And at the end of his eyes I saw
Love for me
Like the innocent love that
I always had felt for him.

And with that I closed his expressive eyes
With my own life worn eyes
And for first time and even the last
My eyes were also as expressive
As the one by which I had lived by all my life.
As we both saw our last together
Each beholding the most expressive eyes
Locked………………

Each one acknowledging
A love so old
As these expressive eyes…..
Withheld hidden throughout life.

HOME AGAIN

I travel on these lanes close to my heart
I reach those places where I have been
I smell the familiar smells
I reach and touch the seen
I cry and my teardrops fall on the trodden paths
They still bear my imprint and I feel I am home again.

I reach out to the roads
I lay down on the grass
I realize my life
Is incomplete without the place
Which I call my home.

Life took me to places
It made me see many a sites
I settled
Down in the races
To survive and I cried
As my heart longed for home again.

I told myself I was immature
I told that this is not true
I explained
I partied
I had friends busy life
Success
But the home
It was empty
I wanted to be home again.

Like a long lost mother was she
I wanted to be near her
I have cherished my dreams around it
In it’s hidden corners and niches
I have played many a games
And its age hides my teenage
Its rooms my journey to adult hood
It’s my life in its pages
Old and forlorn
Tired but living
It’s my home again.

I cry as I see her after so many days
Old yet standing
Demolished in so many places
Tears swell my eyes
But I will build it again.

Neglect has caused hurt to my home and me
But like a very caring mother
It welcomes me back
Provides me love
Gives me a chance to correct my mistake
And gives me a loving roof to cover my head
I hide under her
From this world
To escape the frauds who say the know me
I hide under my motherly home away from the world
In its loving seclusion.

I will stay now in the folds of nature
Doing what my heart says
Just peace and me
As I am home again.



………………………………….


i miss places
i miss ppl
i miss ma soul
which has left me
it has no boundaries
an no weight of a sackfull of useless duties imposed ma little self
pointless leashes hold me back

DIARY OF LIFE

That day flew on
Standing at the secluded niches
And then some sweet nostalgia
Drew me into the corner
Of the memoirs of the past life.

Those musty pages held
Up downs – bitter sweet experience
Of the life lived by me.
Blanks without words
Seemed like fairytales
Unknown………… the past life lived.

The dust flew irritably
I turned pages monotonously
I read on and on.
And remembered what gone past.

Some words came out of those lines
Some were read out
Some touched the heart
And some just flew past.

Sweet lanes of memory past…………….like
A stain at a corner
A tear blurring a word
A climax of a hard life
I recalled………………I recall
A memoir of my life I regain.

………………………………………………


Life flew past
So fast
A cat and dog chase
No gains
Just pain……………
Of what I lost.

Then my daughter’s diary
An unready story
Her first steps I did not see
Follies unhandled tore the life apart.

Another fallen tear
Crystal clear
Blurs another word
In this very musty page.
Shutting the book with heartfelt pain
Buried sadness……….
The yellow pages turned mustier.
Nostalgia of pain……………

………………………………………


No gain
Running away
From problems that turned disasters
From cheating self
And suffering stiflingly
Without acknowledging
The buried emotions.

No family left
No use of the phone
No parties now
Did they ever matter?
Did not help me now……………..

As I remain alone I think
Tortured by past penetrating
How I ……just me………solitary
Solitary I remain………. And with
That ………diary
Buried in silence of sorrow that…
Diary of the Untold Unlived life………

....................................................................................................................

know dat u must take time out to c the pages of ur life wen u r on dem
as one of ma fav fren says keep no backlogs as if u do
u lose out
at the end of day
as money sum cheap replacement is neva as much fun

rationalise the heart

many a times v say v take a rational outlook to life
but actually wen v rationalise v r basically tryin to help ourselves by answerin some of the unanswered questions in our brain itself
like for an instance
v r faced with a problem in life an to solve it there r two approaches in dis life like
v take the practical aspect and function how the world expects us too....
or v listen to the heart

now i dunno abt u but i am such an individual who has a flare to reason but also is imaginative but yet there is a part in me that tries to understand all emotions to rationalise and pinpont dem to scientific lines....

so if sumone who is not such a great thinker he may forget wot his heart says he may kill his imagination....wen he takes a decison to appease the world
but i wont

but the trouble starts at dat point wen i try to rationalise a decision dat i wish to take... dat ma heart supports but i don find a concrete practical reason
so to a same problem i hav a path den.. another path for another reasonin line and so on for diff reasonin lines to the same issue

till the time wen i hav a milloin rational answers to a same problemm all rationally correct but none appeasin to ma heart

and den i am stranded

but if i hav a very strong intuition i take the way of ma heart and am happy

but if i don i spend lots of time reasonin why the way i hav taken is correct and y wot ma heartwished was wrong...and ironically how happy i shud b dat i hav taken dis part

but in ma heart i kno a blunder has been made

so wot conclusion do v reach
did i tell u dis so dat u cud read dis stuff and think how intelligent or confused i am

or am i again reasonin ma heart without reason

but i write all dis stuff for a simple reason dat i am astouned how even in dis practical age v cannot reason evrythin
..................theres sum miracle still left if only v try to c and discover dem in our so called mundane lives

if v listen to the heart do the unexpected however irrational it may seem
den v expect sumthin new as the decision is not stereotyped and we can hope for the unexpected
hav sum joy in our lives..freshness and happiness as v r doin wot v want..wot our heart wants

and perform miracles not in the real sense just in dat sense dat v r happy
and live life knowin its yet full of surprises...........................and dis thing itself is a mmiracle in real sense in dis bsy unhappy world

ending i wud say all the time v think our heart is irrational its bcoz v ha set our minds to the rational clock of dis world
v c our dreams through the veil of the world
but dats not the way it shud b
the moment v cast off the veil of the world
an interpret our own dreams wid our own eyes, our heart will seem rational as den our brain is colourin itself wid the principles v hav set for ourselves in our own influence
not the one painted by the world
......................................................................................................................................................................

i dont kno wot u take from dis blog

eve i dont kno wot i try to convey

mayb jus start the thinkin process out dere in all u guys
so all those whom i hav been able to stir please tell me how hav u interpretted it
tell me how ddo wot i say colours u
and tell me please i hav a lot to learn from ma co-thinkers....
as i hav yet a lot to learn and a brain to paint in ma own colours wid different shades eachday
till....the time i can


the thinker i am....yet the lava girl
lava girl ....and the thinker must merge