SECLUDED IDENTITY

My laugh rings out the loudest
Yet mirthfully it hides …
I am always surrounded by life
Yet I am secluded …
I am within reach
Yet away from myself …
I am always present
Yet my inside is absent …

Surrounded by people
I forget myself
Blissful is this ignorance…
And laughing with them
Makes me forget
In the minute mirth
My identity …
I am running away from myself.

I am living a secluded life
Away from my own thoughts
As I am afraid to face
What’s churning below the surface
Poisonous hurt that I have known recently.

I had not known such a feeling
Always loving before
But yet it stung when I met it
I have been trying to be dazed since…
I am afraid that if I face
What I had met
At the hands of the precious
My sanity would break
And I would be lost senseless in its wake.

From the loved ones
Such a gift
Delivered on a pretty platter
I couldn’t refuse
I couldn’t object
When I saw my hopes shatter.
All polarities remain exchanged
I don’t yet have a clue … blissfully ignorant yet.

I am running away
Laughing with the crowd
I don’t dare face myself
Without a reason to explain
The shrouding grief
That tears my heart
So many times already slain.

I face the onslaught
With the ignorance ebbing away
My sanity buckles under pressure
The tumults of raging unattended emotions make me sway.
I feel nauseated as my thoughts rush after me
I feel weak before my own identity.
And at this point my duties hold still
My roots of senility
As I want to be insane
Just for the tranquility that
Hopefully may embrace me
Once I drown with my grief.

I wish I could forget and have a respite
Even though it means I lose my identity
But that dazed seclusion
Is not bliss forever
I have learned the hard way…
So I travel these trudged paths
Holding on to my sense of responsibility
And the seemingly life saving duties
That I convince myself need me
My only strongholds to sanity
My only path to me…

Now I have faced my identity
Which tells me of pain
And though I have been shattered
And the hurt forever remains …
I don’t wait for blissful ignorant seclusion
From my own self
As I am just scared not any more afraid
From my own self
And facing it
I hold on to the mirthless pained laughter
Shining in my destroyed eyesWith a determination of building from the ruins again.