Thursday, April 29, 2010

The Winner Stands Alone

This book came as a surprise for me rather. It stands out from the rest of the books he has written. Paulo Coelho, one of my very favourite authors! His books usually had a strong message, and the writing style was surreal. This instead was so deep rooted to reality and dealt with our dark angels. An Un-put-Downable one though.

This book leaves me confused and angry. Igor, the protagonist (I don’t know if he was good or bad) went to Canne’s film festival to win his wife back. She had left him two years back and was with another. He was man with principles and morals. He considered himself extremely capable of taking risks and tough decisions. Strangely, he also believed that god had vested in him the power and the responsibility to do any thing to get what he wants.

He wanted to send a message to Ewa, his wife. For that, he started killing innocent people. Each was a sacrifice in her name to make her realize how much he loved her. How serial killer psychology has been portrayed in this book, I found rather interesting. But, Ewa doesn’t want to come back.

Half way through, his mission changes. I don’t follow totally after this. The book ends with him killing her and her husband. What was the purpose of this mission of his? May be by killing so many, he understood himself better. But was the sacrifice worth it? I cannot digest that this man, who thinks he has the authority to take lives for what he believes is the greater good, can be sane or a good person.

May be, he wasn’t intended to be good, bad or ugly. May be he is just a character and thus, has a right to exist without conforming to any stereo-typed ideal. I don’t think I have an issue with the fact that the usual "good over evil" didn’t take place.

But, one person’s instability destroyed so many lives. Among the others who get killed are hard-working people with dreams and aspirations. They have worked night and day and taken enormous risks to reach where they were. May be they were on the brink of achieving everything they wanted to but did not. They lives ended without fulfillment. And there were many whose future depended in the hands of the people who just departed. And all the victims were related in some way or the other.

Is it really justifiable, what Igor propagates in that book?

Only one character apart from Igor realizes her destiny. But another innocent girl was left thinking that she has finally achieved it all, at the last page of the book. I can’t help thinking as if she was real, and in for a rude shock when her whole universe shall crash around her the next day.

The book also showed the trials and tribulations in the glamour world but that we have gotten to know through other books also. The superegos of the superclass have been well characterized too. Still, the way he weaves the plot interspersed with his characters, transports you inside the book, breathing with them.

An interesting thing I noted was that victims who died where equal in the sex ratio. I am sure it means something. The book was filled with booby traps of this world that entail to swallow us. On a philosophical plane, may be it did show us what life could be. Whatever I read in that book can be applied to many situations, many characters could all teach us about some of those traps on a surreal plane. As is a constant with Paulo Coelho’s books, it has many points through which we can enter the book and run away with our understanding and imagination. I like that. Each one gets his own picture, message.

But, how does the winner not stand alone? If Igor is the intended winner… are we getting a new understanding of the word alone? Is not the dark angel just a figment of Igor’s imagination so that he may remain guilt free? These doubts have not been cleared in the book. I don’t hate the book for it. I rather love the fact that these loose ends have remained.

I shall be thinking further on these lines and may be my understanding shall improve. The book has left me slightly angry. But my brain is active trying to understand something new. This hasn’t happened in a long time and I am more than pleased for the mental stimuli.

Thought

I have morals,but the only person I judge is myself.







Impression, sunrise
CLAUDE MONET

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

My Day Today

I had a very nice today after ages. I met 3 of my very great friends. Though one did leave early, but the others stayed for quite late. And I had a very relaxing day which left me feeling quite content.

After all this entrances pressure in my pseudo drop year, I really had lost out on so many friends of mine. And even if we did meet, the tension always hung about in the air. So today, when most of my major entrances are back in history, I finally did let my hair down. Though, we really didn’t do too many things, but just hung about and talked. The experience was more emotionally rewarding than I had expected and had almost forgotten how that felt.

It was so wholesome. The jumping about here and there, the hugging, the flirting, the slight comedy… touchy feely acts, the good food… it felt so nice!!! So mostly we hung about in select and mgf and dlf… looked at books, khana khaya at KFC, and then yogurt at coco berry…

Then we came back to my colony… had many more things to eat ot lear. We talked like carefree kids and had so much fu. Moreover, my friends are so adorable. I feel so much love for them. They made my day very perfect. One of them, though he stays far away near Noida, stayed till 9. And the second one … 40 minutes more, but she lives nearby.

So with all cute drama, catching up on old times, loads of food, scandalous talks, I completed a perfect day spent with great friends. Well, we spent a lot of time in the park under my house. There was a small dust storm going on and the breeze was so refreshing. Looking back, each piece seems to fit in my puzzle of the glorious day spent.

And I don’t know to whom, but I am very thankful for this much awaited peace of mind.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Back

over with the major entrances...
its time to celebrate perhaps but i still have 1 important one left.
still i can devote some time to this blog of mine which has been inactive for some tym again..

interesting i have started a new blog under a psuedo identity. and some of my friends i guess would have seen that by now.

it wont have these many verses. i dont say i am done with them yet either.
either way its fun to blog. i love blogging. i just need to be a bit more experimental with the technology to give it that must visual appela to.

some of the blogs i have been visitig are so awesum.so i have a long way to go.

so crux is , im back again. YAY!

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Impending Dawn




The night drags on….
I am still waiting for the shimmering lights
Promised to me by the oncoming dawn
The genies of night
Tell me to leave
It’s a pointless waiting they say.

Should optimism bow down to the night
Should I sell my belief to the highest bidder,
Or the stronger contender.
I am perched on the ledge of despair
The genies have started dancing,
Around black fires that give no light, no warmth
Strangely I’m comforted…
The lights would be easier to spot now.

I sit and wait
In the cold cold night
Dew drops gather around me
And the chill from the devils fire permeates my bones
They are hoarding
The creatures of the night
They surround me with their distance
Their formalities
Their lullabies, their sugared words
Hypocrisies but can never provide warmth.
I am lured to join them, they provide me wine
I could be drink away from all what they promise.

It takes me my life, my soul and all my memories to refuse
To sit tight on my rocky ledge
To sweat despite the cold
Waiting for the promise
Waiting for life, loving this cold….almost.

The devils are not evil,
They just want to win…
They have had failures before…
Broken they cant hope to see light again…fearing it might not come
And what if they hoped again… but in vain.
They have lost so much,
That they befriend the night
Devoid of courage to heal their wounded hearts
And petrified souls.

Now, they strive to help me
They don’t believe that dawn is for real
They don’t want me to be hurt…
And don’t want me to win either
Jealous of my faith, they must dissuade me
From my quest,
What if I win, and they lose…
What if all is lost….

I see a beautiful soul, not yet black among them
She dances so beautifully away from the fire
It warms my heart just to see her
A swan with a broken wing…
I look at her, wondering if she was the light promised
How could it be
As she carries the shadow of night with her…
As do the others of the devils.

I must talk to her…
I reach out to touch her cold skin,
She recoils from my warm touch,
Its unusual, and long forgotten.
I see her trying to reject it,
As they have forsaken the warmth forever
Lest it be taken away…
She tries to run…
But I cant let her get away.
I have been promised love.

I pursue her, in the night.
The places she goes are cold,
The rush of winds chills my heart
And we both are panting…
The chase stops when she does… unable to continue.
I hold her tight and kiss her.
Kissing her cold away, kissing her into warmth.
Trying to draw her out of her body in mine…
Loving her, stroking her hair, professing my love
Waiting for her to believe me
Warming her
Waiting for her to respond.

Her chill and the night are seeping into me
I am getting colder and colder
Is death tugging at me…
Cold thoughts surround me
I haven’t let her go still
But is she a ploy,
A nymph to get me forsake the warmth I endear
Is she the devil herself sucking my warmth that I’m trying to sate?
I don’t have too much strength left, I need the dawn
Even if she is the light promised,
The night and the run have taken their toll…
The darkness seems to wait for me to pass into
It promises me warmth, and love and her, if she is the devil…

I have used up every ounce of my warmth
She is warmer, but I’m too cold
Maybe beyond repair…

My eyes are swimming with dew drops or tears, I’m not sure.
The cold makes them freeze on my eyelids…
The weight is too much…
I have to close my eyes…
The darkness can swallow me
I did all I can
Fought as much as I could.


And as my eyes almost close,
She kisses me back,
She responds to my touch, my cold body
Filling me with her ethereal light,
Hope, love and promise… and her.
She heals me and feels me…
Like a baby exploring the world
Slowly and slowly… we bond…
The night is still on, and I’m still cold.
But I shall live, with my new hope and my delicate swan…

She gives me strength, I give her hope.
Together we reach the devils,
With my cold body they notice me not
And we mingle and dance around the black fire…
The dawn will come… of that I’m sure.

We talk to the devils,
Tell them of our love…
We tell them of our hope….
And that cold need not keep the warmth out
She makes them remember
She communicates in a way I never could…
She tells them of our kiss
Of my tears and hers….
We share the visions of a new dawn…
She sees it through my eyes, and they through hers…

Yes, they could finally see it…
And they believed it…

I hold her close, she much warmer than me
When the dawn did come for us…
I was exuberated, and she petrified by the brilliance
Which gave way to acceptance, and finally happiness.
The devils also rose one by one…
With new found courage to face the sun.
And new strength and love was found…
In each pair of eyes around.

My bird had her wings healed; she flew away into the twilight…
And left me with hope and a heart full of love
And memories strong enough to carry on for the rest of my life.


Monday, December 7, 2009

MARIA

Maria has really pretty eyes
Eyes which had laughed once,
Loved and healed me…
Now they contain madness…
Proud as they are, not yet anguish
Hurt, nor pain.
Yet mine do shine with loneliness.
She let her silver voice soothe me
Fill me as she allayed my fears;
Sing me into sweet sleep, with soft spells
Of her magic, love and care.
Now she sings of war ballads and
Death chants…not to me anymore.
I haven’t slept since.
She caresses her whispers
Right into my heart
Stirs my soul with her flirtatious presence,
Her witchcraft of possession, that being mine
Behold me endlessly on her soft bosom.
Crushed pine needles was her fragrance
And had I not inhaled deeply then
I would lay destroyed
To see her now
Ripped from my senses forever
She’s gone and I am left behind…
I haven’t breathed since
I can’t inhale her anymore.
Madness! How did I see madness
In her nonexistent empty eyes?
Death ballads yet don’t flow
From dead lips
Do I admit its me alone…
My identity was as much hers
And her eyes mine.
The world is hostile, alien in her absence
Tears are horrified to escape alone
No magic but confusion
May have caused death ballads
To beg release from my lips
It was her tongue though
As mine as much hers…still.
On the brink of insanity
She still came to me
Not by magic, in memory
Kisses me with peace
As I was told
“Your Maria lives in your soul
Not in her body…”
I laughed with tears falling finally
Unbidden and unafraid.
What she had often said and will forever
Till I need her, see her, remember her
Breathe her and love her…
Maria had made her magic prevail
And had coaxed me into sanity.

Whispers strong now rule my heart
Warm gusts of memories, peace
And Maria still possessive about me
I revel in her magic.
And she?
She lets me live.
I could say it is time to write
Time to pen down thoughts
If not virtue, not scandals
But myriad useless thoughts
That since had no moral, ethical,
Monetary value, have not been acknowledged yet.
………………………………………………………..

Monday, November 30, 2009

Days n Dreams

There is always a limit to stupidity element. People should learn from their mistakes…but I’m an idiot beyond limits.

I use all my free time to get distracted and day dream ignoring the work at hand….

And I couldn’t give my entries to this real prestigious photography competition today because it got closed the moment I started uploading my pictures.

And all this because I was extremely distracted through few days, dealing with teenage issues, and fucking up a lot of my time….

I have to get a grip…

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Ek auss ki boond…

Maati par padi hi ek auss ki boond
Raat ko chaand ki sunheri nazar mein
Andhakar ka saaya apne mein samaye
Ek pal mein khudr aur ussimein viraat
Poore aakhash ka pratibimb jhalakta hua
Uss shote se dayare mein
Mann ko ek alag sa sukoonmilta hai
Shudrata mein visaalta dek
Andhakar mein apna astitva na khota dekh
Chand ke roshniko apna banata dekh
Ek auss ki boond
Suraj ki naa garmahat na kirne
Kabhi chuyegi isse
Kale andhakar ke dhhaal mein panapti
Ek auss ki boond
Jisne apna rasta hai khud chuna
Aur apni sheetalta se ek swarachit mugdhata mein
Khud ko simoye duniya se pare
Maati ke aanchal mein
Shaant nidra praapt ki un kirno ke agaman se pehle.


(Musings in Hindi.... Not great, but i like it...)

Saturday, November 28, 2009

I have barriers
And empty castles with broken windows
And no doors
I haven’t ventured outside for long.

I had a lot to say
Somehow the time didn’t seem enough
To curb away my inhibitions
And now the time seems too less…

The door is rushing towards me
An exit at this stage seems undesirable…
A blank wall is pretty easy to paint
But a wall with a wrongly placed caption
A half formed idea
Is much harder to approach….
All is not erasable even if you wish it so…

Adieu

I have had a lot of time to say things I might have wanted to but never still got time enough. Time enough to break barriers that I have constructed like fair castles around me.
Time enough so I got lost in them and thought them to be my world. I wanted to build a lot of things but I just built half-filled dreams…fair castles with broken windows and no doors.

I think now it is time to leave all this behind but I don’t have the words to say goodbye... Can I say goodbye to you… even if I didn’t know you.
Its more than two years... I have returned.

A New Look or A Fresh Start

I started blogging… as a platform to share my poems, and views on many issues, close to my core, or which simply interest me. But since I have never been able to emote in spoken words… drowned emotion took the form of my contorted poems. These poems are conversations with my soul have helped me grieve; they are like my friends…

So, due to some personal issues in the last two years I took to writing a lot more than before, just to emote when I couldn’t beg for any other way of release. And the blank pages which were my reflection, understood me like no other…

Pressures of school, teenage and an incredible lack of patience and concentration never gave any other literary device the exposure… I was always pressed for time….somehow.

But I could say, I have matured, my thoughts have… and now I feel free to express without hiding in the riddles. As in a poem, I was a character within a poem, which expressed one specific emotion I imagine or feel.

Much of the drama is made up, but there is my soul hidden behind veils of layered riddles, lines and words. Its time to come out of the closet…and to experiment with reality…

Though it does not mean that I shall not write the poems… they are a part of me like no other… whispers closest to perhaps the real me. Which I’m forever trying to discover… but remain baffled and confused.

I have been really inactive on m blog for long… I shall try to keep it regular from now on but I cant promise anything to myself even…

So here goes… some things from the inactive period…in verse and without.

Friday, July 13, 2007

THE SAVIOUR

I was shrouded in the darkness
Of the glitter that I thought was light,
Down in the dungeons of the dark dusty world
I knew not the right.

Each day I fell deeper
Each moment the creepy crawlies of the dark world,
Held me stronger still in their grip
Deeper down was I hurled.

Soon, the glitter dimmed
Even the misconception of light was lost,
All was lost I thought
Atleast, hope at any cost.

And then the light shone
In the darkest corner of my heart,
It warmed me still as somebody held my hand
And pierced the darkness like a dart.

He caressed my head
And said he had come to deliver me,
He put me back on the right track
And now the right I could see.

I had resurfaced
As pure as an angel,
He had cleansed me but
I could not see beyond his bright veil

I asked him to reveal himself to me
He said I knew him in my heart of hearts,
And though he had gone
Light came to me even without his guard.

Asking my heart I knew
He was not my guardian angel,
And though all angels must not have wings
I was saved by someone more special.

OF SKIES AND LOVE…………………

They are going away, far away
To the places I long for…
But it holds me back.
The tears I shed go unnoticed
As I long for the bright blue skies.

The green vales I had seen
Were a part of my life.
My heart is divided thus….
I don’t know why
Love never found its way
To the doorsteps of my heart.
I felt my love in the bright blue skies
I left my love in the bright blue skies.

The concrete jungle
The gray dust is not what I long for.
I was made for
The cotton balls of my memories,
The green valleys and
The sound of music of the chirping birds…..
Their echoes deep down in my heart
Told me of the bright blue skies
That I had left behind.

Lost in the mist
Beyond sight are buried dreams
Of the fair mountains
A life’s love
And the blue sky dotted with birds
And they will remain buried……..
Perhaps always.
My fears and tears
Rise up in smoke
Unnoticed by the mob.
As I am lost in my dreams
Of the bright blue skies.

THE LAST LOOK

It had rained
The earth reeked with the soddy smell
Which reminded me of my mother
She exists here
But I must leave her back…
The blue sky gazed at me,
With vows of deep purity
The green grass called me back.
But I went on,
On the untrodden steps of destiny,
As I left back the kings of stone.
With white shimmering crowns
……….That money can never buy and
Now ruby red to call me back.
But I went on, even if with a wet face
But my destiny was set
As the concrete was my world
The roads of dust, the roads of hate…………
Of poverty and misery
Of the misty future
My destiny told tales
And in the unknown I set my sail.
My ears were ringing with a known echo
A chirping, a humming, a tune
Seemed to hover in the air.
It was a blinding one
It was calling me back…
But I floated on the remorseful sound
Lap lap lap … was it remorseful?
My heart affirmed
Yet I float on he unchartered waters of destiny.
Now the sun turns red
And I remember her
Mother… so loving, so caring
Calling me back.
So I vowed I will return
Even if the tides of destiny were high.
And to glance at my mother I looked back
And though the vow I kept
Then I took……..
My last mortal look.

HIDDEN

I try to come to terms
With what I have lost.
I try to believe that
It’s not going to cost
An eternity of pain.

I am yet afraid
Of what I perceive in the future
I am yet to wait
For the light of the seducer
Oh bring me tranquility.

It certainly hurts
My emotions go overboard
And I have just words to express
As I never had the bliss to cry…
With eyes all dry
The pain is inside
The loneliness bursting to come out
And still no stifled cries.

I try to rationalize
That what I dreamt was all farce.
I try to believe now I am better off.
Even though I may be
Tell that to my heart
Cause it still cries for what it lost.

With all dreams shattered
I came back to reality
With nothing to hold onto
I may lose sanity.
Nothing is real now
With a part of my life
Lost…
In the mist from which I may not come back.

I live my days laughing with friends
But in the sweet darkness
The shroud of memories engulfs me
Abusing whatever peace I had
Sickening as I can never touch them again
Its not allowed…
I don’t for my own sake.

SECLUDED IDENTITY

My laugh rings out the loudest
Yet mirthfully it hides …
I am always surrounded by life
Yet I am secluded …
I am within reach
Yet away from myself …
I am always present
Yet my inside is absent …

Surrounded by people
I forget myself
Blissful is this ignorance…
And laughing with them
Makes me forget
In the minute mirth
My identity …
I am running away from myself.

I am living a secluded life
Away from my own thoughts
As I am afraid to face
What’s churning below the surface
Poisonous hurt that I have known recently.

I had not known such a feeling
Always loving before
But yet it stung when I met it
I have been trying to be dazed since…
I am afraid that if I face
What I had met
At the hands of the precious
My sanity would break
And I would be lost senseless in its wake.

From the loved ones
Such a gift
Delivered on a pretty platter
I couldn’t refuse
I couldn’t object
When I saw my hopes shatter.
All polarities remain exchanged
I don’t yet have a clue … blissfully ignorant yet.

I am running away
Laughing with the crowd
I don’t dare face myself
Without a reason to explain
The shrouding grief
That tears my heart
So many times already slain.

I face the onslaught
With the ignorance ebbing away
My sanity buckles under pressure
The tumults of raging unattended emotions make me sway.
I feel nauseated as my thoughts rush after me
I feel weak before my own identity.
And at this point my duties hold still
My roots of senility
As I want to be insane
Just for the tranquility that
Hopefully may embrace me
Once I drown with my grief.

I wish I could forget and have a respite
Even though it means I lose my identity
But that dazed seclusion
Is not bliss forever
I have learned the hard way…
So I travel these trudged paths
Holding on to my sense of responsibility
And the seemingly life saving duties
That I convince myself need me
My only strongholds to sanity
My only path to me…

Now I have faced my identity
Which tells me of pain
And though I have been shattered
And the hurt forever remains …
I don’t wait for blissful ignorant seclusion
From my own self
As I am just scared not any more afraid
From my own self
And facing it
I hold on to the mirthless pained laughter
Shining in my destroyed eyesWith a determination of building from the ruins again.

INHERITANCE OF LOSS

I teach myself everyday
That I am going to be ok.
I teach my heart to laugh along
And sing out a beautiful song.
I teach myself to distance me
From people who can really see into my eyes.

As the picture there is not so great
And may those honest eyes tell
The dam I built will be broken.
And all the hurt will flow through
And what ever I had left would be swept away
By the river of pain.

It’s not much that I ever had
But then it was not much too lose.
But in between I acquired a possession
And that I did choose.
May be not a wise decision
But my heart never learnt that
And lo … I landed in trouble
For what I hadn’t meant to do.

Cause what I chose
I had to give up
And it wasn’t all that pretty.
And it hurt a lot
To let it go
And see that
It too forgot about me.

And those castles built up in air
Seem to mock you so
Those very ones which your heart
Poured into creation.
And when you have to let it go
I feel left with shattered glass
And my heart marred so beautifully
That I don’t know what to believe
Yet as I dwell by the past
And yet find my solace therein.
The scratches on my memory
Confuse me as in to the reality
I don’t know the past is good
Or the present is wise,
But I can’t come to a respite
With the tumult raging within
As bound with duties
I have left a path
And trotting along another.
But still my heart aches
As what I left behind was my life
Something I endear.